My Story So Far

Since I can remember as I was a little girl my dream was not to "be a doctor" or "walk on the moon" but... to be a mommy. And a great one. I would often dream of becoming a mommy to several children and what I call now "the perfect little house wife" (hahahahha) I now know just how naive I was. Even maybe up to this last year I was naive. Naive about how easy life really was. Sure I've gone through tough times where I have lost my grandpa, close friend, uncle etc etc. But never in a million years did I ever dream that I would one day bury my dream. My first daughter, my pride and joy, all my dreams for her, all my dreams for my life with her as her mommy. I buried all these things in one day. Here is the story of my daughter Addison.


My husband and I were married in October of 2006. In March of 2007 we decided we were ready for a child. We became pregnant easily (as I know this isn't always the case). I couldn't believe it. I took 4 pregnancy tests and finally came to terms (very happy terms) that they were probably not lying to me. My pregnancy went without avail up until 14 weeks. At 14 weeks I only thought I was having "normal" pregnancy symptoms. However, hindsight is 20/20. At 14 weeks I began to have what I thought was "morning sickness" This really was my only complaint besides and occasional headache. At 20 weeks I had an u/s and found out we were having a baby girl. Addison would be her name. Her daddy picked it. Everything looked fine they said. She was measuring about 9 days behind but this is "common" and they do not change your dates unless you are over 10 days behind. Around 26 weeks I started to feel very weird and sick. To tell the truth "I just didnt' feel good" I work for a doctor so I decided I should take my blood pressure. It was borderline. So I worked the rest of the day as I had no one to cover for me. I layed at home all evening with my feet elevated on my left side. The next day I went to work and took my blood pressure first thing. It was high. I phoned my OB and was put on bedrest. This was on a Wednesday. That Friday I saw my OB in his office and we did a 24 hour urine protien which came back around 600. On the following Monday I drove 2 1/2 hours to see the perinatolgist. They did an u/s and we were told that Addison had not grown in 6 weeks. On u/s she was measuring just 13 oz. We were put in a room and told of our "options" We could watch me closely and if Addison passed away inside then we would deliver or we could watch me and the baby and try to save us both. Of course I wanted to save us both. We were admitted that day. I was given steriod shots. My body was handling it "okay." But Addison was not. Her heartrate was dropping into the 50's. We decided the best thing would be to deliver. Addison was born 9-26-07 at 1:56pm via classical c-section. But to the drs suprise she wasn't 13oz.. She was 1lb 1oz! And she was doing very well. They warned us of the "honeymoon" period where the baby will do very well for the first 48 hours or so. But Addison made it through. She was a fighter. The nurses said she was "fiesty" They called her a "pistol" Like her mommy. Addison was my pride and joy. She was the sparkle in my eye. I can't recall a time in my life that I have ever been as happy as I was when I was spending every day in the NICU changing her diapers, taking temps, and "cuddling" her with my hands. She was doing well with the breastmilk and we were getting excited to put her on a regulart vent so we could start "Kangaroo Care" On the morning of Oct. 15 2007 I walked into Addisons room and my heart shattered. Addison was sick and I could see it wasn't good. The doctor told us if her oxygen did not come up she would only live for a couple more hours. We still held on to the tiny bit of hope we had. But Addison was tired. She was sick and she needed to rest. Addison took her last tiny breath in my arms. And this is why.. my heart is forever shattered.