How do you plan for your dead baby's 1st birthday?

Today Addison would be 11months old. My sweet little girl would be just learning to walk and talk. She would be having her first taste of cake soon. But she is in Heaven and she has probably had all the cake she wants from her grandpa. I feel like a horrible mother because I have not planned anything. In fact I have almost avoided planning anything. Because it only makes it more real. How do you plan a "birthday" for a dead baby? You don't. You don't. I don't want to remember her on her birthday, I want to KISS her and hold her and buy her the greatest gifts ever. I want to feel warm inside when I see how much she loves her Nina and Papa. I want to laugh when her cousins try to open her presents. But most of all I just want her here in my arms. These are the things you think of when you think of a 1st birthday. But not angel moms. We have to think about the what ifs, the could have beens.

I want to scream at people who think I am or should be "over it." You do not "get over it!" I want to say to them well you should "get over" your living children then! I will forever remember and love Addison. That will never change. I will forever speak her name. And I will forever shed tears of sadness that she is gone. And if anyone has a problem with that then they can go away.

I feel despair. Helpless. Once again I feel like a horrible mother. For the last 10 months my life has been revolved around things such as getting her pictures in, getting her headstone, growing grass at her plot, etc. And now..... its all come to an end. These things made me feel as if I were still doing things for my daughter and now its over. And I am lost. I want so badly for something to make me feel as though I am her mom and she needs me. I know that I will always be her mother but does she feel it.. does she know how much I love her and how much I miss her. I don't want her to know my pain. But I don't want her to think I have forgotten her or "gotten over it"