Feeling Crummy

Okay first of all just let me say that my darn shift key is broken on the left side so sorry for any weird typos. Today is a pretty crummy day and for many many reasons... first of all I have mastitis AGAIN (this is the 3rd time) so I am going to HAVE to stop pumping or keep getting sick. Pumping is very important to me and it really sucks to have to give it up so early. Secondly, Jack's 2nd surgery is coming up so quickly (Sept. 23rd) and it makes me so so sad that he has to go through this. I feel so guilty that I brought him into this horrible crappy situation. And yes I know its not my fault blah blah blah but it still SUCKS and it hurts so bad. Every day for his entire life he will have to deal with it. And I know that I should be and I am thankful that he is otherwise healthy and there could be things much worse then a cleft lip/palate but the fact of the matter is I can't change my feeling. Every person I know wants their child to be PERFECT and not have to deal with so much crap and sadness. The feeling you get in your stomach when you have to hand your child over to a complete stranger and trust all these people is heart-wrenching. I'm just really not looking forward to seeing him go through this again and again and again. Thirdly, I miss Addison so much. It's like people think because I have Jack that somehow I "forgot" about Addison or that he "cures" my pain. This pain cannot be cured and will forever be. I love Jack so much and I know how lucky I am to have him but he does not replace Addison. I loved her too and I wish so badly I could have them both here with me. Lastly, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that Jack is a "difficult baby." It doesn't make me love him anyless and I don't blame him at all. The problem is I do blame myself. If your a mom you know that you pretty much blame yourself for anything that happens to your child. I feel like such a faliure as a mom. I just don't understand why he seems to be so discontent. He doesn't really like to play at all. I have tried almost every gadget you can think of. Today I just bought a jumperoo that I read so many reviews on where mothers said their babies just LOVED these things. NOPE not Jack. He just gets so angry. The few things he will do are watch Mickey Mouse (I'm not too fond of this), swing (I'm not fond of this either), or play with a toy while being held (although he still gets angry with the toys). I honestly believe if he was strong enough EVERY toy we own would be broke. Especially on the exersaucer. He gets so mad because the toys do not come off. I just feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I'm failing him in someway. :( I just hate when people ask "is he a good baby" because I honestly feel horrible for saying no but he isn't. That doesn't mean I love him any less. Does he sleep all night? Not even CLOSE! Some nights he wakes up every 2 hours or maybe even every hour. I just hope I'm not doing something wrong.