Another Surgery :(

Jacks next surgery is this wednesday. I'm dreading it so badly. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. The dr said this surgery will be longer and more painful. I could have lived with out knowing the more painful part. :(

Now to make us smile.. here are Jack and his 2 cousins hanging out in his crib! lol

Belly Laughs

Jack adores his cousins.. last night he couldn't get enough of Gracie. lol She at one point tells him that he came out of his mommas belly. She is fascinated with the fact that he was once in my belly and now isn't. :)

Feeling Crummy

Okay first of all just let me say that my darn shift key is broken on the left side so sorry for any weird typos. Today is a pretty crummy day and for many many reasons... first of all I have mastitis AGAIN (this is the 3rd time) so I am going to HAVE to stop pumping or keep getting sick. Pumping is very important to me and it really sucks to have to give it up so early. Secondly, Jack's 2nd surgery is coming up so quickly (Sept. 23rd) and it makes me so so sad that he has to go through this. I feel so guilty that I brought him into this horrible crappy situation. And yes I know its not my fault blah blah blah but it still SUCKS and it hurts so bad. Every day for his entire life he will have to deal with it. And I know that I should be and I am thankful that he is otherwise healthy and there could be things much worse then a cleft lip/palate but the fact of the matter is I can't change my feeling. Every person I know wants their child to be PERFECT and not have to deal with so much crap and sadness. The feeling you get in your stomach when you have to hand your child over to a complete stranger and trust all these people is heart-wrenching. I'm just really not looking forward to seeing him go through this again and again and again. Thirdly, I miss Addison so much. It's like people think because I have Jack that somehow I "forgot" about Addison or that he "cures" my pain. This pain cannot be cured and will forever be. I love Jack so much and I know how lucky I am to have him but he does not replace Addison. I loved her too and I wish so badly I could have them both here with me. Lastly, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that Jack is a "difficult baby." It doesn't make me love him anyless and I don't blame him at all. The problem is I do blame myself. If your a mom you know that you pretty much blame yourself for anything that happens to your child. I feel like such a faliure as a mom. I just don't understand why he seems to be so discontent. He doesn't really like to play at all. I have tried almost every gadget you can think of. Today I just bought a jumperoo that I read so many reviews on where mothers said their babies just LOVED these things. NOPE not Jack. He just gets so angry. The few things he will do are watch Mickey Mouse (I'm not too fond of this), swing (I'm not fond of this either), or play with a toy while being held (although he still gets angry with the toys). I honestly believe if he was strong enough EVERY toy we own would be broke. Especially on the exersaucer. He gets so mad because the toys do not come off. I just feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I'm failing him in someway. :( I just hate when people ask "is he a good baby" because I honestly feel horrible for saying no but he isn't. That doesn't mean I love him any less. Does he sleep all night? Not even CLOSE! Some nights he wakes up every 2 hours or maybe even every hour. I just hope I'm not doing something wrong.

Camping and Sippy Cups

Jack is getting so big it seems EVERY day! He is learning so much so fast it amazes me! Jack is one of those "discontent" babies that wants to just get up and go and he is frustrated at the world because he can't.. lol. I'm hoping he will grow out of this as soon as he can crawl. :) He loves to be on his belly and if you lay him on his back he will flip right over. We started back on baby food a couple weeks ago.. so far he has had peaches, sweet potatoes, avocado, rice cereal, and bananas of course. He hates rice cereal. Peaches are his favorite. Some new tricks he has learned.. he tries to hold his bottle, he sits with support, rolls both ways, protests when you put him down or take a toy from him, found his feet, he pinches, he loves to grab noses, he can "scoot" on his belly to reach things but has not quite figured out how to put his knees and hands up at the same time(its always one or the other), and starting today he drinks from a sippy cup!!! I was very weary of starting the sippy cup because of his cleft but he seems to do good with the Nuby and he just bites it to get the water out. I didn't want to put breast milk in the cup just yet for fear that he would think I was replacing the bottle. We went on our first camping trip and he loved it. He loves loves loves to be outside so this was his kind of vacation. lol. He slept well in the camper and actually better than he does at home. I didn't get a lot of pictures and I regret it. :( I do have a few that I will post below. He liked getting in the lake but it was putting him to sleep so of course he had to fight it. :) He is his mothers child what can I say?






This is in the playpen in the camper. :)
The rest are from the house.. he likes to eat his feet while he watches Mickey Mouse..

Jacks new place to "hang"

My sister recently visited from Iowa and bought me this new carrier.. we put Jack in it while we were shopping and he zonked out in about 5 minutes! LOL Sorry my hand is in the way holding the paci in!

Bananas

Jacks pediatrician advised us to go ahead and start him on baby food.. even though I thought we should probably wait until 6 months I went ahead and tried out some bananas.. but he didn't seem that interested and I think we will wait to do anymore food until 6 months.. here is a clip.

Why I Exclusively Pump

Deciding to exclusively pump can be somewhat of a contreversial decision. A lot of people believe that it is too time consuming and that you cannot produce enough milk to feed baby breastmilk only and if you have to supplement then why even bother?? But contrary to what some people may believe, some women CAN produce plenty of milk and sometimes extra. When I found out that Jack would be born with a cleft lip and most likely a cleft palate it was never even a decision that was considered.. I knew I would pump and feed Jack my liquid gold. Breastmilk is bestmilk. I am by far not anti formula but I do believe for me.. if its there.. then use it! I understand this may not be right for some women and some women just cannot get their milk supply established. However I have an excellent supply. In fact I have enough to feed Jack and freeze about 20 extra ounces a day. :) I am offically a milk making machine! ;) I won't even go into the breastmilk vs. formula debate because I believe to each his own.. BUT I do think it is riduculous for people to ridicule women for choosing to pump when breastfeeding fails or is otherwise not an option. Breastmilk is so much better for cleft babies because it is not an irritant to the nasal passages as formula can be and this is another reason I choose to pump. Pumping can be hard and I believe it takes a certain person to do it.. but it is rewarding to know that you are doing what you believe is best for your child. The first 12 weeks are the worst.. and honestly I hated that damn pump. But after the 12 week mark and your supply gets established you can start "dropping pumps" and you don't have to be connected to a machine every 2 hours. You can sleep longer at night (that is if your little one will allow it!) Pumping also gives time for Dad to bond with baby while you get a second to chill out. All in all I think if you aren't the one connected to the machine and the baby is getting fed then you shouldn't ridicule someone for pumping. When I first started pumping I was hoping to make it to 6 months.. now I am looking for 12 months.. At 12 months we will see. I know some women who have been pumping for 3 years and still continue to do so!